Forgiveness

Why do I find it hard to forgive myself?

Multiple mental incursions (especially when emotion is strong and overpowering logic) result in a sea of voices over voices. I cannot find a clear mental voice from which to speak.

An inability to grasp the full extent of a contextual me that exists from time to time. Also, the perfectionist in me teams up with the harsh criticisms of viewing the subject matter from the view point of hindsight and presentism to clash heads with my understanding of a non-abiding self.

Maybe it is because even from the viewpoint of a non-abiding self, I understand that the nature and quality of decisions should and can still be judged. Even within the microscopic lens of bounded rationality, there should be clarity of accountability. There still exists good and bad decisions, better and worse decisions.

So yes, when I analyze my actions, they were bad. They were not good, not good enough.

I have accepted the blame. I want to learn. But I can't forgive myself until I prove otherwise in the cauldron of future experience. But what constitutes future experience?

I want the field of research and test to remain similar, so as to speak. And suddenly I wonder if the paradox of the non-abiding self may also apply to situations, can I then ever say that I acted better in this situation as compared to that?

And till then, as usual I hold my hollow breath. Hold it, hollow and still.