It is amazing how we get irritated by something once it is within our proximity for an extended period of time. No matter how much we used to yearn for it, how we used to crave it, how we used to love it. Its close proximity soon irks us and gets under our skin. Why do we react in such a manner? As if we are selfish by nature. As if we are self-serving and only look out for "numbero uno" in whatever situation. That our true selves are incorruptible in its loyalty to ourselves. Case in point, I can't stand myself. In my solitude, I am all I have to handle. Yet, it is indeed testimony to the human psyche that I can get tired of myself. I can't stand my mental voice. My witness-consciousness can't stand the self-pitying nature of my "self". They can't coexist yet they have nowhere else to exist. What strange and uncomfortable bed-fellows dwell in my private realm...
So I sit here in my chair not being able to stand myself. I am thirsty. I have a sore-throat. I have a rumbling stomach. The multitude of sensations and biological registers and imperatives make their way to my mind and shout at me till they are hoarse. They wish to be satisfied. But I like to sit and pretend that I am but a corpse. Let me change that, a carcass. Yes, I like to lay and pretend and wait till they start to lose interest as my mental secretary at the desk chews on her pen in a sultry manner and repeatedly delays their attempts at getting my attention. And then just when they are about to leave, I announce that the manager will see to them now. His important conference call has ended.
My mind draws back to the figure that I crossed on the way home. She was attractive. I knew it. She knew that I knew that she was attractive. Her curvaceous figure flavors the uninteresting air around her aggressively through the air as she strutted past me. Her fragrance hung lightly in the breeze and yet stung my senses sharply as we crossed each other. But I didn't look. At that cosmic moment, it was quite laughable to take note that she registered an element of disbelief. The point is that I don't look anymore. There is no point. I don't look, I don't think nor do I consider. Just as there is no point in dreaming so I don't dream anymore as well. Evolution and efficiency works in that way. Only the necessary functions continue. Selection and survivability dictates that dreams and desire only matter for the living.
No comments:
Post a Comment